This is a quick rant about my roommate/best friend. Normally i wouldn't do this, but i just want it out there in the world if maybe somehow, somewhere someone finds this blog and can give me another perspective on the situation. I am also not afraid whether my roommate/best friend will find this post, because everything i discuss here i have already told him to his face. He knows.
My roommate today came home with McDonalds. Also for me. I wasn't happy with this. We usually text throughout the day and he texted me "do not make any food". I didn't think much of it. Sometimes he surprises me with bubble tea or something, so i just went about my day. When he came home he was like "i have McDonaaaaalds". And you know what the thing is, i understand that it was a kind gesture from him. I totally get that. He tried to do something nice, but i also know that it is in the means of his own selfishness. He knows i care about clean and healthy eating (to a degree). I do not like spending money on restaurants or fast food, because i can make it better at home, the way i want, and cheaper too. I don't mind getting something every once in a while, but overall, i never really care about going anywhere for food, especially not fast food. I also have an apex hatred for McDonalds, because of the way they treat their animals, the amount of food waste they create, and overall corruptness. I would only eat there if i had no other choice.
Enfin, i feel that my friend uses me sometimes as a means to justify his own "bad" behavior. Like, he knows that eating fast food is bad, so if he does it as an act of "kindness" for his friend, then it becomes a good behavior. So he gets me vegan nuggets and fries. I am not even fond of the nuggets from McDonalds. The other day he was like "i want to get McDonalds". I ended up talking him out of it and went to the store to get him vegan nuggets (12 pieces for only 2 bucks) and get him a big bag of fries from a cheap fast food place, and a can of coke. In total it costed like 5 bucks, if not less. If he had bought this at McDonalds it would've been more than 10, and he would support an evil, evil company.
And as i mentioned, he knows i care about eating healthy. And he knows i have been wanting to go to the gym again because i am not happy with my body. I rarely eat fast food on my own, so whenever i do, it is usually because of him. Last week he wanted to eat pizza and i told him i didn't want any. He kept pushing and saying "i don't want to eat pizza on my own :(" but i kept refusing and in the end he got 2 pizzas for himself. It almost feels manipulative. I honestly do not even know if this comes from a bad place, or if he is just really emotionally that stupid. I just feel like he is overstepping my boundaries by forcing unhealthy food on me, because if i am not happy about it then he feels bad, and then i feel bad for making him feel bad.
And it's not like this has only happened once, this happened multiple times. One time it was my birthday and he knew that i started to eat healthy and that i wanted to lose some weight. I started to cut sugar out of my diet etc. For my birthday he got me 2 bags of chocolates and some other candy (he also got me a normal gift, these were like "side gifts" i guess). But why??? Again, he doesn't listen to me. I say i eat healthy, he pushes chocolates on me.
A few weeks ago, when my stomach was bloated, i told him "please do not push any food on me, i want to do a small detox". And he ended up buying me food. As i said, when i refuse, he gets pouty and then he also doesn't want to eat. Which means he wasted food and money. And he knows that it works every time, which is manipulative.
BUT NOT ONLY THAT, remember how i wrote that i asked him to hold me accountable to do things every day? Yeah, so, as i wrote earlier, i didn't edit today as i promised. He didn't ask me before getting food whether i had edited or not. Let's say i liked McDonalds, he could've gotten that as a "reward" for me doing the things today. But i didn't edit. Thus... i don't deserve nice things. So even the gesture of him doing something nice was not warranted in this situation CAUSE I DIDN'T FUCKING EDIT. And he didn't ask me about it either. This would've been THE PERFECT situation for him to "punish" me by coming home and saying "i wanted to get you McDonalds but i didn't cause you didn't do your task for today so...". I confronted him over this and he said "yeah, but it would've been rude(?) if i had come home without food for you". BITCH, i didn't want your food!!! I literally put some vegan stuff i had in the freezer in the fridge for it to defrost cause that's what i wanted to eat today. He also knows i write down my diet for the day because i am strict about calories and protein. I feel like, if he really cared, he would've gotten me something with a lot of protein and not too many calories, cause he knows i care about that. But he just got the easiest thing. Again, i think it is so he can justify his own behavior which is going to McDonalds and getting shit food. I even ranted to him yesterday that i am happy i have never struggled with drugs or alcohol problems, but that food is difficult for me. Either i eat too much, or too little. He knows about my eating disorder background, and he even agreed that my body looks less good then it did a few months ago when i worked out more. So what gives????
I don't know why this upsets me so much, but i think it is because it's behavior that keeps repeating itself even though i ask him not to. I tell him don't do x or if he would pay a little bit of attention he would understand not to do x and then he does it anyways. It feels like he is crossing my boundaries. I am really upset about it. He left to our band rehearsal space now, as i had mentioned in my last post, and i wrote in that same post that i will edit when he leaves, but i just want to lay in bed and cry cause i feel like no one gives a shit about me. You probably think reading this "you are overexaggerating because your friend did something nice for you and you don't even appreciate it!!!" NO. He did something nice for himself, not for me. HE wanted McDonalds, so HE got McDonalds. I literally asked him TWO DAYS ago if he can hold me accountable for my actions (which would've been THE NICE THING TO DO AS I HAD ASKED FOR IT), but instead he just does his own thing. As i said, if he wanted to do something nice he would've first of all asked if i had done my task for today, and if i had done it he could've brought home something protein dense. If he really cared. But he doesn't. And it's not like he said "i got some nuggets, you want some?". Nop, he literally said I GOT YOU VEGAN MCDONALDS NUGGETS. I literally feel sick and i don't know how to cope with this, because i don't really have any friends i can talk to about this. Most of them know him and i don't want to put them in an uncomfortable situation where i trash talk him and they feel like they have to take sides or something.
I have also shown him numerous times that there are so many cute things on Aliexpress that i want to buy. Like cheap cute Sanrio stuff. If he wants to show me he cares about me he can buy me that. It's cheaper than McDonalds!!! Like i got myself this really cute watch for 8 bucks. I got these cute pens for like 80 cents. And it's not like he doesn't like Aliexpress. He constantly buys stuff from it for himself. The other day he did buy me a cool toy camera, but that was because he had a toy camera and i asked him where he bought it and if he could get one for me and i would pay him back. He never got me the camera. This was 2 years ago. I mentioned that last week while he was using the camera, and then earlier this week he gifted me that other camera. It is really cool and has more settings and stuff. I am super happy with it and really appreciate it too. That was one of the things i was happy with. But again, he didn't gift it randomly, or because he wants to thank me cause i let him live here, or for helping him out with paperwork the last few months, it was cause i confronted him being a dick. I appreciate that he tried to make up for his past "mistake", and show that he can be better, but it still feels performative in a way? The same way getting me nuggets was performative. I never asked him to buy me the camera and gift it, i asked him to buy a cheap camera 2 years(!) ago (cause it was only 10 bucks) and i wanted to pay him back. He did get one for his sister though (and that's when i told him to also order one for me, which he didn't do). It was a dick move back then, and all he had to say was sorry. I didn't ask him to buy me that other camera, but i still appreciate it anyways. The nuggets though? I never asked him to buy me fast food, i asked him to hold me accountable cause i need that because of my ADHD (i even showed him videos about it and we watched some together so he understands how ADHD works). I told him "do not reward me for bad behavior, pretend i am a kid who didn't do their chores or ate their vegetables". All he had to do was ask if i had done my "task" for the day and reward/punish me for it. Instead he just ignored all the time i have spend on showing him what i need from him (support and accountability) and instead i get fast food which feels like neglect. Who knew that vegan nuggets could make you feel like shit so much? And the camera... it's not giving me the good vibes that it should. I don't feel like it was genuine. More like a thing to shut me up or something? Even though i never complained about it, i just mentioned it briefly last week. Also, I'd rather have him buy stupid keychains for me or stickers than buying me fast food. And he knows this, and yet...
And now i will spend the rest of the evening Googling about similar things happening to people on reddit... i should just edit but i literally can't focus. I keep thinking about what happened and i just feel like shit. I JUST NEED SOMEONE I CAN COUNT ON THAT IS IT. If he can't be that person then just tell me that jeez. I fucking hate this. And it's not like it happened a week or so after me asking him for accountability. I talked to him about it on Tuesday evening, and now it's Thursday... wow.
Ugh, i need a new friend who he doesn't know so i can vent to them instead of screaming into the void that is the WWW. No one even reads blogs anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment