Laaaaaaazy

So i've been kinda lazy cause of the warm weather. It alternates a lot between unbearably hot and then other days where it is so-so. This puts my entire schedule in a rut and i don't know what to do anymore. I also got my doggie now so at least we take two daily kinda long walks which is nice. She's not a dog that needs lots of attention which is also nice (she enjoys the attention tho lol), but she sheds A LOT of hair. I have to brush her daily and even then i still have to vacuum once or twice a day. She also likes to dig so she sometimes brings a lot of sand inside that i then also have to vacuum up, so that takes some time out of my day as well which can be annoying. She is not the reason why i don't work out tho or why i rarely go to the gym anymore, but i think it is just the overwhelmedness of everything and not being able to properly section my days and just deciding to spend time with her at home feels more productive than going to the gym where i will feel anxious and out of place.

The other day (on Tuesday) i went to the gym at 3 in the afternoon and it was about as crowded as usual but there were more serious people who weren't staring at me or other people and just minding their own business so the environment was a bit more bearable to be in. I still have anxiety about going tho.

Anyways, i do one arm/shoulder/back day a week and then one or two leg/glute days. I have totally been neglecting my core AND IT IS NOTICEABLE. This has to change. So, i was thinking to do core every other day for the coming 12 days or so. Before i did core 1-2 days a week and i looked super good so i kinda want that back. I could even just do core stuff the minute i wake up so i don't have to worry about it the rest of the day. I don't know, but i am determined to do something about it. And i'll start tomorrow or maybe even today if i am bored tonight.

I also need to start eating better cause i just eat whatever~ and not really keeping tabs on how much protein i am eating. I have been eating more carbs and that also has to change. I am just about to walk to the store with my doggie to get some food for the weekend and i will look at what i can do for food for the coming days. The problem is also that i very often eat at shitty times and when it is really warm i usually am not in the mood to cook dinner around dinner time. So i eat dinner super late. I just need to start eating dinner earlier i guess that could help. Ugh, so many things working against me and i have been struggling with motivation a lot these days too so it sucks. My house is a mess as well. I cleaned it up last week and it looked so good and i made it a mess again. I hate having ADHD.

Rest day (horrible DOMs)

In my previous post i caught you up on what i have been doing this month. The gym becomes less and less attractive to me because of the people there and also the warm weather. The warm weather mainly attributes to it being really warm (doh) but then having to wear less clothes. My period is coming up so i have been pretty bloated the last couple of days and it makes me insecure. When i went to the gym the other day i went in a crop tank top with baggy pants and it made me feel pretty good. I just don't want to go in shorts or whatever and i feel like people will judge me, which is silly, i know. People will always judge you no matter what. But it's just a very body conscience thing, especially cause there are so many young people at my gym and i hate it. I am still trying to figure out the "quiet times" but now that summer vacation is around the corner i feel like it is becoming worse. I am also extremely pale and i don't tan easily which attributes to me not wanting to show my legs in the gym lol. 

I should just try to go every day and at least do cardio (cause i really need to lose some fat around my waist) and then that way i can also gauge if there are many people. I think usually it is the most quiet around 12, every day, except probably the weekend.

I also wanted to go to the gym today to do leg day but my DOMs are insane. That's why i wanted to keep my squatting leg days and stuff for in the weekend lol. So today i will take a rest day and i will see how i feel tomorrow cause then i'll just go to the gym. It seems very not-crowded on Fridays since it's weekend and no one spends time at the gym then.

And on Saturday i will be able to pick up my new lovely dog! I am super excited for it. I have been cleaning my apartment for 2 weeks now cause i want everything to be perfect for her. Today i want to go to the store to get her some new bowls and stuff. And i still have to clean the rug in my living room cause i had a dog i baby sat a few weeks ago and she lost a lot of hair. All that hair is in the rug and wont come out!!! I read on the internet that you can remove it more easily with laundry detergent so i need to try that. 

I also want to really get my backyard ready for when it becomes warmer weather so i can sit outside with my dog. I need to get a bigger extension cable so i can sit outside with my laptop and at least work on stuff while hanging out with her. I believe last summer i saw this huge bed/chair thing that you could put in your backyard. It was like a little dome you could sit in, and if you are small enough, even lay in. It was big enough that you could drape a mosquito net over it to keep mosquitos out and i really wanted to buy it but it was so, so expensive. I made a picture of it and i still dream of it every summer. It would be perfect to hang out in with my doggie and work with it on my laptop especially since it is a dome, you wouldn't have to worry about the sun and stuff.

Ah i keep rambling haha. I still feel like i have so much to do before the dog comes but i basically have everything in working order. I might need to go to the store to make sure i have enough groceries that will last me the entirety of next week so i don't have to leave her alone at home next week to go grocery shopping. I also don't know how she will do alone, if she is destructive, if she is a barker. I don't know anything about her!!!

But yeah anyways, my DOMs today are horrible. When i want to sit down on the toilet i have to hold on to something to lower myself down LOL, and the same when getting back up again. Doing squats and RDLs and stuff really kill me every time, but that's a good thing. I realized that my body has changed a lot the last few months and i am really proud of myself. I also realized how much my glute muscles have grown. When i push down on my butt now i can't feel the bone anymore which is pretty insane. It feels like a little cushion now. Even though my butt isn't that huge, there is definitely a difference with how it was before and i am excited to see how much more it is going to change! I also see a big difference in my quads. My legs are slimmer now but the top side of my quads are bulkier. I am getting into a really nice shape and am excited to see where this will take me in the next months. I am especially excited for winter because it will be easier for me to bulk up (eat more without being self conscience about it) so it will be easier to gain muscle i think. Also, it will probably be easier to go to the gym.

All in all, i feel like a lot of good things are happening right now. I am starting to feel like my old self again. I can get stuff done. I am working out more often. I am more focused on my new dog now. I have prospects. I am excited to grow in terms of fitness, and i also hope that the next half of this year i will grow in my working field. And also i hope, of course, that i will have a nice relationship with my dog.  My best friend might move here also after summer so there are so many things i can now look forward to! I am just a bit scared cause whenever i am this happy something shitty happens that always punches me down again, but we will see. 

Sunday funday

Was supposed to do arms today and core but didn't happen. Kind of annoyed with myself, at least i got a little bit of cardio with the dog. I also look more flabby again so i really want to go a bit harder this week. I just wrote out what i want to do tomorrow at the gym. I also think i will go a bit later, since now all the zoomers go at the same time to the gym which is around 10-11 i would say. But also i realized that those really young kids usually go around 12. I am supposed to trust Google it says that there is almost no one at 2-3, but last time i fell for that a group of teens came in (i guess after school). I think i'll go tomorrow at around 11.45AM then i have 20 minutes of cardio and i should be done at around 12.15PM and i should be home at around 13.15PM. It is so difficult to gauge how many people there are at the gym cause it keeps changing depending on the days that you go too. I'm pretty sure that i clearly remember there being a lot of people around 12-1 too, so idk anymore.

I do want to try to go to the gym every day, if anything just for cardio. My birthday is in early june and i want to look good lol. I also need to make an overview of what to eat so i can hit my protein intake. I bought bananas last time i was at the store and i got some vegan protein powder on discount (no idea if it's any good) so i can at least make smoothies with that.

I just really hope it is not crowded tomorrow at my chosen time. Now i am doubting myself.

Absent!

I have been feeling a bit burnt out the last few weeks which is why i have been writing less, but in happier news i have adopted a new dog! She will come in from Romania next month and am very excited to meet her. I was having such a hard time with the loss of my dog that it started to weigh me down a lot. It was all i could think about all day every day, and last week was her 1 death anniversary. Weirdly enough, around that time, i stumbled upon a dog shelter website. And they operate out of my old town where i grew up! I never knew it existed! I surfed around on their website and it took me 3 days to make sure i had picked out the right dog cause there were so many cute ones.

I think once i have her i will feel better cause i have something to plan my days around. Right now i don't really have that. Since i work from home, i can come and go as i please which makes it harder to properly structure my days. Also, i had to go grocery shopping for about 2 weeks now and i keep not going. I just don't feel motivated at all. I buy whatever the small neighborhood grocery store has to offer to make sure i hit my protein for the day and that is about it. When i have my dog i will feel more pressured to properly go grocery shopping cause i have to keep her fed.

I also really have been slacking with the gym. I just constantly don't feel like going. Mainly the zoomers who kept being at the gym made me very demotivated, i don't know why. They were just such a distraction being there and because they all moved in packs of 3 the gym constantly felt very crowded, even though it wasn't. I was determined to go to the gym this week but i got my period this morning so welp.

Tomorrow is leg day at the gym tho so i am going to go!!! I btw didn't write that i hit 70kg on the leg press the last time i went to the gym. I did 5 reps. Am very proud of my progress so far and would like to keep going so tomorrow I AM GOING NO EXCUSES.

My body has also changed a lot i have realized. I have lost a lot of fat on the side of my waist. Normally when i would bend to the side i had about 2-3 fat rolls, now i only have one, and i think it isn't even fat, it's just skin. My hourglass figure is coming through more which i am very happy with especially since i have been slacking so much. I have been working out at home almost every other day tho but i do nothing but squats and RDLs mainly. Haven't hit core and arms as hard.

Food wise i haven't been doing too great either. I've had pizza and ate 2 more bags of cheetos during my weeks of absence and am actually surprised that i am not getting fatter LOL.

Today i actually wanted to do some cardio at the gym and do arms, but i will just do arms at home now since my period is driving me insane, and i might add some core. I will make a new post for what i wanna do today.

Body changes

I realized when it comes to body changes that mainly my back leg muscle is growing a lot, and ever since i stopped doing my home work-out routine as much, my butt has shrunk in size again, so it is obvious that my home routine was doing something. I think that i might start changing my routine again where, when i go to the gym mon/wed/fri, that i instead go Monday and Friday and that i work-out at home on Wednesday and Sunday. Then Tuesday/Thursday gym and Saturday at home.

My waist has shrunk in size as well. I naturally have a pretty small waist and larger hips (so a hourglass figure) and it is finally coming out more again.

I think what is killing my gains the most is that on my "off" days i very often try new work-outs or i am figuring out routines to do (like for my upper body or core), which makes it more difficult to track whether i am getting stronger or not. Next to that, i very often skip those days too because i feel lethargic or i just forget. And maybe, just maybe, doing legs every other day makes me exhausted, which makes no sense cause i literally did my legs every other day for an entire month at home and i was totally fine (i maybe skipped it once or twice). 

On some days i am also getting really sick and tired of just propping my mouth full with protein. I wish i didn't have to eat so much, it is getting annoying. I even stopped tracking my calories and protein intake, cause i hated seeing how many calories i was actually consuming and it made me uncomfortable.

Anyways, new routine maybe starting next week:

Monday: arms/shoulders home
Tuesday: leg day gym
Wednesday: day off
Thursday: leg day gym
Friday: core at home
Saturday: legs at home
Sunday: day off
Monday: legs at gym
Tuesday: arms/shoulders home
Wednesday: legs at home
Thursday: day off
Friday: legs at gym
Saturday: core at home
Sunday: legs at home

Whiney vent

Tomorrow is gym day again and i want to kill myself... okay it isn't that extreme, but a part of me feels that dying is easier than facing whatever comes tomorrow, which is obviously ridiculous. The last few days i have been trying to read up more about going to the gym etc. and i have seen that some people say that having strong back muscles is important for preventing injury. Other than that, i have read a lot of stupid bullshit, as always. I am still so annoyed with how elitist the fitness/bodybuilding community is. 

I feel like i am in this weird area where i sit in between the total noobs who know nothing about bodybuilding and the more intermediate people; this means that i know enough, but not enough at the same time, which is very frustrating. 

I still doubt the two leg days program i have made, i have no idea what i am doing is right, and it is not like i can just go to the gym and find out. My "job" currently is kind of on the creative side of things, where i can just try out stuff and if it doesn't work, i can try something else until it does what i want it to do (obviously with pre-existing knowledge; but sometimes also no knowledge at all). You can't do that in the gym. I can't just go to the gym and try stuff and see if it works or not. You need to have pre-existing knowledge. You kind of need to know what you want to do before you go. I can't go to the gym, wanting to build my legs, and then just doing squats in the hopes that builds my legs. Besides that, how do you properly do squats? I don't know. And the worst thing is is that you pay for all of this. If you want someone to tell you how to do stuff you need to pay extra for it. I believe in most gyms here it is like 40 bucks per session, which is INSANE, especially if the trainer already works in the gym (and does nothing) (mind you i live in a country where minimum wage is law, and you get paid a lot).

All of this is so tiring man, and i'm only into this for like... barely 2 weeks and i feel so overwhelmed. I want to tell myself that it is okay to go to the gym and do things wrong, but it isn't. It isn't right. You will hurt yourself along the line and you will embarrass yourself too. I wish there was a small body building gym in my town so i could go there and ask some big papa bear to help me out with my exercises; i'm sure they would be nice enough to do that. But i'm not, and i'm stuck in a gym with young people and i hate it and i hate it and i hate it. I don't even hate exercising. I actually find it quite enjoyable. I just don't want any people around. I sound so whiney.