Little steps

I'm gonna start putting my rant parts behind a read more tag, so that when you get on this blog you will see all the bodybuilding/fitness related stuff first and if you want to know more about me you can just press "read more".

TLDR; I was tired today, because i haven't been eating well, so i didn't do anything today. I had an appointment with my physical therapist which went horrible. We got into a back-and-forth and she overall just frustrated me and got me kind of angry cause she kept misunderstanding my points. We came to an agreement to do the thing i wrote about yesterday and on Friday i will go to to the gym for my first scope out. Tomorrow i want to do a leg day.

I woke up this morning feeling super tired. I don't know why. I didn't do much today. I had my appointment with my physical therapist and it didn't go as well as i thought it would go. When i told her about my anxiety struggles in the gym she started to argue with me. I told her that i go to the gym for the machines, and there are only 3-4 machines that i use in a specific order for a reason. One of the things that aid to my anxiety is the fact that, because it is such a small gym, when one of my machines is taken that i have to wait. She kept trying to convince me that i could do other things in the gym besides the machines, even though i explicitly told her that i only go to the gym for the machines. UGH. Then when i finally got her to understand me, she started to argue that i "maybe go too hard" and i was like "but i am trying to grow my muscles?" and then she tried to argue with me that there were a lot of ways "to grow muscles". It was only when i dropped the term "bodybuilding" that she stopped and realized she didn't know what she was talking about.

I understand she's a physical therapist and probably knows a lot about people's bodies and working out and movement and stuff like that, but i also know that if you aren't well-versed in gym culture and fitness and body building and muscle building, that it doesn't matter how much knowledge you have about bodies and working out, because wanting to grow big is a whole different beast.

She was then still not done "arguing" and she started asking me why i wanted to grow more muscular legs. I told her for confidence. She then asked "confidence for what". OMFGJOEIJIOEGJ. Like... i have anxiety to go to the gym. There are multiple things that add to my anxiety, because i have an anxiety disorder that makes it difficult for me to not worry about everything all the time. YOUR JOB is to make me realize that it isn't all that bad. Instead of her doing that she said "yeah but if there is someone on your machine, you can go to another machine, and if all machines are taken, you can do cardio". NO I CANNOT. I started to get really annoyed, because she was obviously not understanding me. And again, instead of filtering it through her brain properly, she only filtered it through her own knowledge bubble, projecting onto me. Since i wrote about this last time, i have realized that every single time i (or anyone really) gets into an argument or misunderstanding it's because of that thought bubble. I am actually happy that i am more aware about it now, because i probably do it myself as well, which is why i tried to explain to her not necessarily the knowledge i had, but making her understand that i knew what i was talking about, and that her adding her own knowledge to this conversation wasn't beneficial.

Alas, remember how i wrote yesterday how i thought she was gonna respond? Yeah, i ended up stopping the back-and-forth by telling her that "i had been thinking about going to the gym just to scope out the place". Her face changed immediately and then she said "yeah, that sounds like a great plan! see, our little back-and-forth was fruitful after all" NO IT WAS NOT. You frustrated me and now i am angry writing about it on my blog. She thought that i came to that realization through our arguing, while i came up with it myself yesterday since i thought that's what she was gonna say?

It's so weird cause during our first appointments she was so different, or at least i perceived her differently. The last few appointments i've had with her she's starting to annoy me. She actually helped me a lot in the beginning and gave me some good insight on how my anxiety  works and how it hinders me in life and that i should take things easier. Little steps. That's what she always says. And now all of a sudden i just have to go to the gym 3 days a week lifting heavy again? What happened to little steps? I think it's because my insurance. It only covers 12 appointments and i think we are at our 8th now, so she knows she has to speed up the process with me. It's the same with psychologists always, you have like a 45 minute appointment and can't get anywhere cause they are constantly checking the clock, and then i feel more anxious because i am like "omg what if i haven't said everything i wanted to say in those 45 minutes". It is so stupid.

Speaking of psychologists. Tomorrow i have to go to the woman i had an interview with at a psychologist place to see if they can help me. I actually had that appointment last week, but she went home sick, so the appointment was cancelled. 

I also already realized why i am so tired, because i am not eating well. The last three days i think i've barely eaten 1,000 calories a day. It's literally because of the weather. I don't feel hungry. I don't want to eat. I only drink water and eat popsicles. Normally i would make a smoothie, but i didn't have protein powder so i had to order a new pack. I got a new pack today, but my roommate fell asleep early so i can't throw it in the blender. I guess i will just start eating more tomorrow.

I btw agreed with my PT that i will go to the gym mon/wed/fri (this Friday being the first time!) and only do some cardio to scope out the gym and see how crowded it is. I agreed to do it when i wake up cause it is easiest. Just get ready and go. We also agreed that i will buy a special bag for the gym so i can always have my shoes in it and i don't have to worry about repacking my other bag constantly. We agreed to that cause i brought it up how i had been eyeing some bags that i wanted to buy and how i thought that would maybe help me with going to the gym. This is the bag i want to get:

I like it cause it has a little compartment on the side to put your shoes in. There are a lot of cool colors, but i want to decorate it with pins and patches, so i think black will just look better. I wanted to mainly put band patches, but i found some cute (and funny) patches on aliexpress that i wanna get so i overall think it will be an awesome bag. And i will also feel more excited to take it to the gym!

Tomorrow i want to kind of do an upper body day, but because i haven't done legs all week(!) i think i will just do a leg day after i get home from my appointment.