Sore

My legs and glutes hurt so much today lol. I guess the weights that i used weren't too much then. I guess next time i will keep these weights and see how i feel after next time. Today i will take a rest day and tomorrow i will do arms.

I am thinking about restricting my calories until i get my body to a point where i feel more secure with myself. The only problem is that i am not sure right now if this thought comes from my previous unhealthy mindset (i have a history with anorexia/bulimia) or if this is an actual good idea. Right now i am not going to the gym at all so i am barely getting any cardio except for my dog walks and the occasional bike ride. Cardio helped immensely with getting myself into shape and because i am lacking that right now, all the excess calories are just stored around my waist. This makes it more difficult for me to get in shape, or look like i am in shape. I would love to have a cardio machine at home but i simply do not have the space for it, unfortunately.

I have been watching some youtube videos and in one video a girl said she would catch up on her favorite Netflix shows while doing light cardio at the gym. This might be something that i could do as well. I do not like watching shows on small screens, so i might have to find a show that i am not too invested in. The last time i went to the gym i was reading celebrity gossip on a forum which was also a lot of fun, but it gets annoying to scroll constantly when you are sweating.

I think my biggest gripe with the gym is that i have to wear specific gym clothing, gym shoes, have my hair up and i have to stretch really well at home (if i don't properly stretch i easily screw up my muslces) (it has happened before). I wish i could just walk in, do my thing, and walk out. I have big fluffy curly hair that is impossible to tame sometimes so i can't just quickly put it in a ponytail and be done with it. I also usually wear oversized sweats with an oversized shirt (sometimes a tighter top) which makes me stick out like a sore thumb cause no one at my gym wears stuff like that. Again, i work-out in a small gym in a town where we have "unspoken social rules" so the minute you kind of fall outside of that people are going to have opinions. Even though city gyms are probably horribly packed, i feel like people give less of a sh!t what you look like and they just want to get their work-out over with. At my gym i sometimes feel like people think i am asking for attention cause i look slightly different... which i can't help!!! Even if i would wear one of the "normal appropriate adult woman gym fits" i would still stick out based on my hair alone (everyone here has straight hair i swear). Maybe i am just overthinking it. In either case, it is tiring to think about the gym. 

No time to sleep

Of course i planned today to be leg day and i wasn't able to fall asleep last night. I played the Sims 1 till 7AM. I was literally lying in bed thinking by myself:

>be me

>plan leg day

>not able to sleep

>rip.jpg

In the morning i had an appointment with my physical therapist, and of course i was 5 minutes too late. I didn't really do any of my homework last week, which mainly consisted of meditation type of exercises. I didn't do any of them because just the thought of them makes me feel iffy. I don't like the thought of meditation, although i have seen a lot of people with ADHD claim that it helped them a lot. I think it is the whole "making yourself vulnerable" thing that makes me uneasy. I just want to go, go, go, constantly. I guess that way i feel like the horrible nagging thoughts in my head can't creep up on me? I don't know. I relayed this back to my physical therapist and she told me to find places in my house where it feels safe to do my exercises and also positions (eg. lying down, sitting up, knees against my chest). When i think about it now, maybe building a small blanket fort would help lol. I used to lock myself in my closet when i was younger to feel safe; away from my family. It is so disturbing looking back on it. But the therapist said whatever makes me feel safe, so i guess a blanket fort could work? I just have to clean up my room and figure out a way to make a quick make-shift blanket fort that i can set up whenever.

When i get back from walking the dog, i'll do the exercises my therapist told me to. I don't usually do them right after seeing her because she makes me do some at her place. But I put things off all the time and it's different doing them at home. So, after walking my dog, I'll do those exercises and then my workouts, and then protein, and then idk???

There was a slight change of plans! When i came back from my walk my roommate was already home so i didn't feel comfortable doing my therapy homework. I did end up working out. My roommate hung around while i did that and we watched American Psycho. It was fun rewatching it as i hadn't seen it in some time. Some time after my work-out i started to get horrible period cramps so i took a long warm shower and just chilled for the rest of the evening.

For my work-out today i ended up using lower weights, because i didn't want to stress my body too much. I felt like i could've easily done higher weights, so i ended up doing higher reps/sets instead. I am happy i didn't overdo it. I need to learn my limits. I also wrote down my calories and protein intake, but it is scattered over 2 different notebooks and my phone, so i will add that info tomorrow to this post once i have gathered it all together.

Today i did (all barbell exercises +7.5kg barbell): 

• warm-up 15 minutes
• squats 4x12 (6kg)
• romanian deadlift 4x12 (6kg)
• hip thrusts 4x12 (20kg)
• bulgarian split squats 3x6  (7.5kg)
• stretch 15 minutes

      Calories: // Protein: g

Just girl things

Ugh, on Saturday i felt so, so tired and through it. The same on Sunday. I had no energy for anything and felt like laying in bed and crying. Then on Sunday night i got my period. Yesterday (Monday) i felt a bit better, but Monday is always my day off so i didn't do anything. And today it is Tuesday and i feel a little bit better already. The problem is just that i always feel like a failure when these days happen and my entire schedule gets thrown off. I need to learn that it is okay to not always feel 100%, especially when you hormones are going crazy.

Anyways, since i wasn't sure if i felt better today i didn't plan anything. This morning i also had an appointment i had to attend to so i didn't really have time to plan anything in the morning/early afternoon. And mid afternoon my roommate is back home so it is more difficult to plan things to do by myself.

Tomorrow i will have physical therapy at 11.30AM so i should be home at around 12.15PM. So i can walk my dog and afterwards do leg day. I would prefer to do leg day on Tuesday but eh, it is what it is. I tried to watch what i ate during the last 3 days tho so i wouldn't overeat and eat decent amounts of protein and i did ok except for one day. Tomorrow i 100% want to go hardcore again!

A new beginning!

I woke up this morning with a message that my personal trainer's car broke down... imagine my shock. Of course this happens. In his message he wrote that he wanted to have a call appointment, but unfortunately i read it wrong and i thought he wanted to reschedule our appointment to Wednesday. No clue how i misread that? Maybe it was a case of Mandela Effect hehe. He also called me by the wrong name which irked me. We have been sending some messages back and forth for some time and i always ended them with my real name and i got signed up to the place with my real name, but he used my messaging nickname. I am already done with him to be honest, because he reminds me of that other personal trainer that i had who was also very flaky.

The stupid thing is that he works for an organization and at first i got appointed to someone else when i signed up. This was an ex-military man who was very disciplined according to his profile. Unfortunately, his waiting list was too long so i got put in the care of his coworker. I will await my first meeting with this man, but i might just ask to be assigned back to the military man and just wait a bit longer to work with him.

My roommate just left for work and i have a bunch of things to do. I need to work-out, message the drummer, walk my dog, physical therapy meditation homework, clean up my laundry, and finish arranging my closet. I think i will first work-out, do my meditation homework, then drink my protein, message the drummer, walk my dog, and finish with my closet. Tomorrow i want to go into town to get some vitamins and cleaning supplies. I have been feeling so tired lately and just kind of... doozy? I read somewhere that magnesium tablets can really help with feeling more energized and since i am on a plant-based diet that might just be what i am lacking. And i need to buy cleaning supplies cause i want to deep clean my apartment and shower, because my roommate's family will come to visit him in two weeks and i want to make sure my apartment is looking good by then (they wont be staying here but it would be nice for them to visit his place of residence). And i also want to dye my hair.

When it comes to eating today it was a bit wonky. My roommate came home with 2 popsicles. They were huge! I felt bad about rejecting it, so i only ate half and put it back in the freezer. When he went to work i gave the other half to my dog. Luckily it does not have that many calories, but it has a lot of sugar which is lame. I also had some left over pasta sauce from yesterday so i am not entirely sure how many calories and protein were in it, so that was all guess work. Everything else was weighed and measured so should be correct!

Today i did: 

• shoulder shrugs on pull up bar 4x8
• bent over rows 4x12 (6kg)
• bar curls 4x12 (6kg)
• shoulder press 4x8 (4kg)
• sitting twists 3x12

Today i ate 1459 calories and 76gr protein.

Long time, no see

Oh my... i haven't written here for what feels like decades! So much has changed it feels like. Also it seems that no one has found my blog yet in the meantime, which i consider a good thing, because it makes me feel less "viewed". However, it would be nice to have at least like 2 or 3 readers who i can discuss things with, but i guess those days of the internet are over.

So updates, i guess? Uhh, well AI is taking over now, which has its good sides and bad sides. The good is that i can generate pictures for my posts that will fit with the theme of the day and how i feel (cause i was running out of cute work-out cartoon pictures tbh!). The bad is that it will probably take over the world and kill us all.

I currently have a roommate. He's a good friend so it has been nice. He has a car so he drives me places, which has also been nice and we have been going to concerts and stuff, which i missed. I have become lazier since he has been around and i eat like crap, but i am trying to change that now.

I have my adopted dog! She's so sweet and i love her so much. We bonded really quickly. It's just difficult for me sometimes to leave her alone at home, because i get so attached to her. She does really well though when she is left alone. She is a bit bigger than i thought and had hoped for, but that is okay. It is just more difficult for me now to take her places, which is a bummer. But now that i have a roommate it has been a bit better!

My roommate and i are trying to start a band. It will be within the metal genre of music. We are currently looking for additional bandmates and in our search someone recommended me an old drummer friend of mine! I have his number now and will contact him tomorrow and i am super stoked for that. I hope he will be as excited as i am, and if he doesn't want to join the band i would at least like to meet up with him again to see how he is doing! We literally haven't spoken in YEARS.

Working out hasn't been going too well. I have been working-out every so often at home. A handful of times i have been trying to go to the gym. I have definitely gained weight. I lost some of my muscle mass... i have been trying to build it back up in the last 3-4 weeks or so and it has been going well except for last week, but at least i haven't given up on working out entirely yet.

My anxieties are still bothering me, but i have enrolled myself in some physical therapy that helps with anxiety and it has been working wonders, honestly. I have only had 3 appointments so far but i look forward to each appointment, and i feel like i am really doing better. Even if it is only just a little bit.

Tomorrow i will have an appointment with a personal trainer who is specialized in people who battle with anxiety, so that is neat too. I hope it will become something nice, because i had an appointment with another one of those guys and he turned out to be horrible. He was a horrible communicator, extremely arrogant, and would often cancel appointments. So hopefully this guy is better.

I am writing here today (tonight) because i want to start with this blog again, and i want to start working out again. I enjoyed tracking my progress and venting every once in a while. Summer season is starting again at the gym which i am anxious for but i will try and pull through.

Tomorrow i want to do upper body. After my afternoon appointment with personal trainer guy i will probably go into town to get some supplies that i need and then when i go home i want to do upper-body while watching some obscure foreign movie a friend of mine recommended.

On Saturday i want to do legs once my roommate goes to work later in the afternoon. And Sunday will be rest/stretch day. I will just have to figure out what i will eat, so i don't overeat, and i don't undereat, but i also get enough protein. Important!

I am going to get ready for bed now! Nightnight!